Sometimes I get sad and insecure. Don't we all?
Do people really do like me do they just tolerate me? I am opinionated and say things I don't necessarily believe, just so I can get a reaction. I argue for one side of the coin with one person and the other side with someone else... just for the sake of a good discussion. Most of the time I'm not truly passionate about any topic.
Despite my flaws, i do love you. I really do. I may not always like you and may not be able to be in your presence you for very long, but I pay attention, I listen, I know things about you. I know what you like and don't like. I file it away in my brain. Sometimes I forget, but it's not very often. When it comes to people, I almost never forget... not your name, not your birthday (if you've told me), stories you've told me, things you've experienced... if I've spent time with you, it's significantly impacted me. I remember you for a very long time.
I notice you because you're a person. I notice if you seem down, if you seem overwhelmed, sad, stressed, lonely, insecure, distracted... I don't usually say anything, but it affects me. On the other hand, this sometimes creates a problem for me. I notice how you treat me, if you treat me differently, if you seem upset at me.... I notice it. I notice that you ignore me or avoid me. I notice when you're short with me. I notice when you truly are just tolerating me. I notice when I'm not accepted. I notice when we just need time apart to work through our differences.
When this happens I start analyzing it, sifting through memories, paying attention to what I say, what other people say about you, so I can try to figure out what's wrong. If i can't figure it out, I shut down. When I'm rejected or confronted, that's my immediate response - to shut down. I became detached and emotionally distant. It's what I've always done. People don't realize this because my secondary response, is much stronger and louder - my survival response, to fight. Except, because of response number one, I used to do it emotionally detached. I think that's part of the reason I was able to make anybody cry in my former years - I was cold. I couldn't feel their pain anymore. The other part is because I do know so much about you, I've also observed your weakness. I know how to make you hurt.
Knowledge is power... but power is sometimes death.
Now I'm learning how to balance this. and it sucks. I'm learning to let things go, to breath, to use my fight response in a different way.
Now I have a physically difficult time make insensitive comments (about 15% of the time, something still slips out). That doesn't mean I don't think insensitive thoughts. It just means I can't speak them. I'm becoming less detached and more empathetic to what people feel (when I'm angry). and. I don't want my words to be what gives someone a the little push they need before toppling over the edge. I've already hurt too many people in my life.
I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to forgive - both myself and you.
Do people really do like me do they just tolerate me? I am opinionated and say things I don't necessarily believe, just so I can get a reaction. I argue for one side of the coin with one person and the other side with someone else... just for the sake of a good discussion. Most of the time I'm not truly passionate about any topic.
Despite my flaws, i do love you. I really do. I may not always like you and may not be able to be in your presence you for very long, but I pay attention, I listen, I know things about you. I know what you like and don't like. I file it away in my brain. Sometimes I forget, but it's not very often. When it comes to people, I almost never forget... not your name, not your birthday (if you've told me), stories you've told me, things you've experienced... if I've spent time with you, it's significantly impacted me. I remember you for a very long time.
I notice you because you're a person. I notice if you seem down, if you seem overwhelmed, sad, stressed, lonely, insecure, distracted... I don't usually say anything, but it affects me. On the other hand, this sometimes creates a problem for me. I notice how you treat me, if you treat me differently, if you seem upset at me.... I notice it. I notice that you ignore me or avoid me. I notice when you're short with me. I notice when you truly are just tolerating me. I notice when I'm not accepted. I notice when we just need time apart to work through our differences.
When this happens I start analyzing it, sifting through memories, paying attention to what I say, what other people say about you, so I can try to figure out what's wrong. If i can't figure it out, I shut down. When I'm rejected or confronted, that's my immediate response - to shut down. I became detached and emotionally distant. It's what I've always done. People don't realize this because my secondary response, is much stronger and louder - my survival response, to fight. Except, because of response number one, I used to do it emotionally detached. I think that's part of the reason I was able to make anybody cry in my former years - I was cold. I couldn't feel their pain anymore. The other part is because I do know so much about you, I've also observed your weakness. I know how to make you hurt.
Knowledge is power... but power is sometimes death.
Now I'm learning how to balance this. and it sucks. I'm learning to let things go, to breath, to use my fight response in a different way.
Now I have a physically difficult time make insensitive comments (about 15% of the time, something still slips out). That doesn't mean I don't think insensitive thoughts. It just means I can't speak them. I'm becoming less detached and more empathetic to what people feel (when I'm angry). and. I don't want my words to be what gives someone a the little push they need before toppling over the edge. I've already hurt too many people in my life.
I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to forgive - both myself and you.
No comments:
Post a Comment